


Struggling to be me

by DanHasOTPs



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Coming Out, FTM!Takao, M/M, Secrets, Trans Male Character, gay!Midorima, trans!Takao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-02 04:37:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4046233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanHasOTPs/pseuds/DanHasOTPs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the team entered the gymnasium Takao was already shooting hoops. It had always puzzled Midorima how Takao could be changed and warmed up in such a short time. They were in the same class afterall. But, without fail, Takao was always there before the rest of the team could even enter the building.</p><p>How will Takao deal with his secret while becoming closer to Midorima?<br/>CURRENTLY ON HIATUS!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The usual

Most people on the team wouldn't have noticed.

Not how Takao was always be done dressing before anyone else entered the changing room or how he would be the last to enter after training.  
Nobody would notice how he sometimes bend forward and cringed while doing running exercises, in practice games or during an actual match.  
Nobody would notice how he avoided showering while others were nearby or, if they did they didn't say anything. They probably chalked it up to teenage insecurity.  
If he was in a hurry he would skip the shower completely.

But after Takao declared his rivalry to a certain miracle someone started notecing, bit by bit.  
~  
When the team entered the gymnasium Takao was already shooting hoops. It had always puzzled Midorima how Takao could be changed and warmed up in such a short time. They were in the same class afterall. But, without fail, Takao was always there before the rest of the team could even enter the building.

The team quickly entered the changing room. Midorima undressed and redressed himself in exercise clothes before grabbing his lucky item, a working replica of the ocarina of time from the legend of Zelda, and making his way over to Takao.

As soon as 'shin-chan' was withing his passing-range he shot the ball to him.  
Midorima, ofcourse, caught it and sank a perfect 3.

"oi, stop screwing around and get over here!" Miyaji-senpai shouted as soon as the ball touched the net.

The trainig comenced as usual: stamina training, technique refinement and a practice match. After the initial training everyone exept the regulars was send home.

Ootsubo-senpai rouded every one up and anounced:  
"Midorima has someting to say. Please pay close attention since this is related to our match against Rakuzan."

The declaration was made seriously with an underlying tone of proudness.

"I have been thinking about a stratagy to defeat Rakuzan an Akashi. The plan will require perfect coördination between Takao and me, but the rest of the team will need to block out all the other Rakuzan players before we can attempt this technique." Midorima had launched into the explaination full force, while the rest waited in anticipation.  
"I will enter my shooting motion without the ball. At my highest point Takao will pass it into my hands and I will atempt to make the shot."

This is were everyones jas hit the floor. The past Midorima only took shots he was sure he would make.   
Everything about this was a risk, from timing to aiming to shooting, nothing was sure.

Miyaji fell in before the rest could ask questions.

"Takao, are you up for this? Can you do it?"

Silence...

"If Shin-chan thinks I can do it 'I will do anything in my power to make sure it happens'" The Hawk-eye responded, imitating Midorima with the last part of his sentence.

"Bakao! Take this seriously!" Thundered a very upset tsundere while delivering a hit on Takao's head.

"Ow! Seriouly, it was only a joke." He said as he brought a hand up to rub the new sore spot on his head.  
"Ofcourse I'm serious about this, no need to hit me."

Without further explanaition he walked over to the 3-point line and said "Get ready, Shin-chan."

The ball he'd held troughout the explaination started bouncing.

Midorima walked closer to the goal while making sure there was still a decent amount of space between Takao and himself.

The room was silent exept for Takao's dribbeling.

An eerie anticipation fell over the gymnasium.

Then, Midorima moved.

Takao imidiatly reacted, the ball left his hands.

Midorima caught it and shot.

The ball spun on the ring a few times before falling in.

"Takao, that was too soon. Again."

And they took their postions.

The rest of the regulars left them to it and started to refine their defending moves.

~timeskip~

Training had been intense, even Midorima didn't stay behind today.

Like always, Takao entered the changing room last. Everybody exept Takao had started udressing and headed for the showers. Instead of doing the same Takao fiddled with his phone for a while before heading to the toilet.

Some had already left when he re-entered, but everyone was already redressed.

Takaoshot Miyaji and Ootsubo a look before finaly getting his shower stuff ready.

It was clear that Midorima was going to wait on Takao inside the changing room.

The lightest of nods came from the senpai and Ootsubo called out to Midorima, then he basicly dragged him out under the premis of wanting to talk to him privatly.

Miyaji said one last thing before also taking his leave.

"You know you can always talk to me, please do so if you need it."

Just before Miyaji was out of hearing range Takao said a soft but definitely hearable 'thank you'.

After that Takao hurried to pull off his shirt, revealing a skin colored binder that covered the upper part of his chest and ended just below his ribs.  
Then he ripped that off too, finaly happy to be able to breathe.  
Sometimes he forgot that wearing a binder for 12 hour a day had side effects.

He accidentaly sucked in too much air and triggered a coughing fit.

After it passed he quickly showered while keeping his mind occupied with useless stuff to distract him from his body.  
Withing minutes he was wearing thebalck binder he used for daily life. It was the same model but easily be passed off as a thank top, unlike something that looks like your trying to hide something: the skin colored binder.

With another minute het was dressed and walked out to the parkingspot of the rickshaw where Sin-chan was waiting on him.

"let's do this Shin-chan, This time I'll definitely win!" Takao shouted as he aproached the green haired miracle.

"As if that would be possible, I've got fate on my side." Midorima said as he adjusted his glasses.

"Rock paper Scissors!" Both shouted, well... Takao shouted as Midorima calmly recited.

As Takao started pedaling he stated "Shin-chan your fate is cruel!"

Midorima only huffed and stared at the ocarina.

'Fate is indeed cruel...' Takao thougth as silence befell the two.

~timeskip~

"Here is your stop, Shin-chan"

They had stopped infront of a spacious stand-alone family home.

"Takao, don't forget that we'll be studying afterschool tomorrow." Shin-chan reminded him as he got out of the rickshaw.

"yes, Yes. I'll see you tomorrow morning" He said over his shoulder as he kicked off.

"Good night, Takao."  
"Good night, Shin-chan."

And with that Takao directed the rickshaw to a neighbourhood close by, but of a different social standing.


	2. The start of change part 1

Waking up is never fun for anyone, but it is especialy difficult for the people whoare unable to wear their only saviour throughout the night.

Every morning the frist thing Takao did was put on his binder, atleast... as soon as he was consious enough.

Then he put his shirt back on and walked downstairs to make and eat breakfast, all the while listening to oha sa. After that he put on his school uniform and headed out to the Midorima household on the rickshaw.

His mom was probably still asleep by the time that he left.

~timeskip~

"Good morning, Shin-chan." He mumbled as he came to a stop next to the giant.

"Good moring, Takao." Midorima said as he clutched a replica of Severus Snape's wand from Harry Potter.

"Let's decide who has to pedale before we are late" Shin-chan murred, initerested. 

'Tipical Shin-chan, always so punctual'

~timeskip~

Since becoming 'friends', Midorima had taken up the habit of waiting on Takao...

Inside the changing room...

'I'm lucky that Miyaji-senpai and Oostubo-senpai are always willing togo to great lengths for me. Otherwise I would have been busted a long time ago' Takao thought as Shin-chan was being dragged out again.  
'Let's hury before Shin-chan barges in from impatience.'

He quickly showered, dressed and ran outside to meet the giant.  
As he aproached, it was clear that the wheels in Midorima's head were turning.  
'Just pretend there is nothing wrong, maybe he won't ask'

Like aways, Takao lost and then they were on their way to the Midorima family house.

When they finaly got there, Takao's ribs were aching. First training and then pedaling had always been rough, but it seemed to become worse overtime.

They entered the house after locking up the bike and quickly rid themselfes of their shoes in the genkan.

"I'm going to prepare the tea, you can go to my room to prepare for our studying." Midorima declared as he headed for the kitchen.

They had done this manny times now. Ever since the okonomiyaki incident the to had started to become closer. The last few weeks it had become the norm for them to study together at Midorima's house atleast once a week.

Takao entered Midorima's bedroom and wasn't suprised to find it spotlessly clean. It always was.

He sat down infront of the low table and started laying out the homework assignments that needed to be finished by next week.

It always interested him how other guys fashioned their bedrooms, still insecure about how his own looked. He was also scared that he hadn't hidden some products well enough and would be found out. That's the reason he never invited people over to his house. He was also just lucky that Midorima hadn't even asked to come over to his house.

He layed down and stared at the shelfes, some loaded with books, others with lucky items.

Soon Shin-chan returned, carrying a tray with a tea set and some cookies.  
There was an unspoken rule when studying with Midorima: If you start talking within half an hour after starting, he will kick you out. After that you just had to read him if it was okay to do anything else, like play games or just start annoying him.

Soon Takao had sloppily finished the assignments, now the real fun began.

"Shin-chan?"

No Awnser

"Shin-chan?"

The twitch of an eye, but no awnser.

"Shin-chan?"

'is that a blood vessel?' Takao thought as he was getting ready to call out again.

"Sh-"

"Fine, you know how the tv works. Now, leave me alone." 

Takao was internaly cellebrating his victory as he booted up the tv and GameCube.

Midorima might not look it, but he was a fan of the Legend of Zelda series and so, he owned almost all of the consoles the games apeared on. 

Just as the intro music started playing a book was heard falling shut.

"Joining me Shin-chan? Well, we both know I suck at this game without you." He lightly teased him as Midorima sat down next to him.

After about an hour of playing, Takao recieving instructions from Midorima periodicly, a silence fell.

A tense silence...

'Well, atleast I knew he was going to me about my behaviour soon. He's been observing me too intense to let it slide. It's a wonder that he didn't ask sooner' Takao mentaly prepared himself. 

Not many people knew about his situation. His close family knew and supported him. His mom most of all. He didn't see his dad very often. It had been that way ever since the devorce a few years ago. Aleast they didn't devorce because of him, he didn't know back then. There had aways been something wrong, but he didn't know what. Only after a biology lesson discussing sexuality and Sexualidentity he had started questioning himself, slowly trying to see himself as just that.

Coming out had also been a disaster. At first his mom thought is was just a fase, that he'd just grow out of it. Eventualy, she started believing him and he went to a specialised psychologist once a month.

Takao paused the game and layed down the controller.

"Is there some thing you wanna aks, Shin-chan?" Takao mumbled softly.

He knew that he could completely lose this friendship. It wouldn't be so bad for Takao, if we only talked about the fact that he was able to befriend people easily. The reason for not being friends anymore would probably hurt wose than losing a friend.  
Well, no, not if this was about Shin-chan.  
Both would hurt too bad to be able to separate.

"well... I have started noticing that you always avoid everyone inside changing rooms. I was just wondering if you were gay? It seems like the only reasonable option." Midorima went completely red in the face after the word 'gay' left his mouth.

"eh?"

Not that it wasn't true, Takao was prety much gay. He didn't paticularly care about gender, but tended to fall for men more easily and thought their physical form was nicer. Female figures reminded him too much of what he had and didn't want to have.

"Hahaha, Shin-chan, did you really just ask me that?" The relieve of not being found out had made him laugh, but he could just pass it off as shocked laughing.

A loud noise cut through the room.

Midorima, apparently, hits people if he gets embarassed.

"Bakao! Take this seriously, I-I..." Midorima blushed harder, embarressed from sharing his theory.

"Sorry, Shin-chan, but I didn't expect you to say that kind of stuff." Takao admited, simultaniously telling the truth while hiding another one.

"You could say that I'm gay, but it's more complicated than that." 

He had Midorima's full attention now.

"Could you explain? I want to understand why you act the way you do." 

To tell the truth, Shin-chan made it very appealing to tell the whole truth, but Takao just couldn't risk it. What would happen to Shutoku's team if the light and shadow duo fell apart. Takao would probably be leave the team. Not that Miyaji-senpai and Ootsubo would let him, but he wouldn't be able handle being out and not accepted.

"well, I-eh.... I don't... Fuck..."

Haha, explaining? How can you explain something you don't understand yourself?

"I'm able to fall in love with both guys and girls, but I feel more attracted to guys? I don't know... That's the best I can do. Sorry, Shin-chan." He really didn't know what else to add to that without spilling the truth.

"I... Thank you for answering, Takao, but why would you avoid the changing rooms? You heard the speech the senpai gave at the beginning of the year.'Nobody shall be discriminated against in this team. If you do decide to forgo this rule, regardless of how good you are, you will be kicked off and be reported to the staff.' That's what Miyaji-senpai told us, I believe." Midorima recited slowly, while all Takao could think was 'I hate Shin-chan's stupid smart brain.'

The only reason that the speech was given, was because the team requiered all medicaly related files, just incase something happened to the player.  
Takao had no choice but to come out to Ootsubo, but Miyaji had accidentaly overheard and admited it imediatly. Right after he declared that he would become his confidant.

The senpai of Shutoku really are the best.

"Shin-chan, can you just believe me that it makes everything easier? You probably won't understand." Mumbled a very tired Takao.

"I should understand, since I myself am gay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been listening to Tatsu's (Suzuki Tatsuhisa, AKA Takao) band while writhing this. It helps me figure out how he would act in some situations. I hope you are still enjoying reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you find any spelling/grammar errors or if something is unclear about the characters or story^^


	3. The beginning of change part 2

"I should understand, since I myself am gay."

Silence...

'Shit' Takao thought as the previous panic started rising again. 'Just play it off as if you still have trouble accepting yourself.'

"Takao, you know the rest of the team won't mind it, right? They are okay with me being gay and showering with them."

Midorima had the habit of pushing up his glasses when he was embarrassed, just to try to hide it. It never worked on Takao.

"Wait, when did you tell them?" How could he have missed Shin-chan coming out, it's not like Midorima to keep stuff from him.

"I had planned it out and asked the senpai for help, so we set a date. It was somewhere around the beginning of last month. You were absent that day." He stated carefully, before adding "I couldn't... I had worked up enough courage to do it that day and would be scared that if I delayed it, I wouldn't ever do it. After that I just never found the right time to talk to you about it. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, Takao." 

The genuine regret was clear on the aces face as he apologised.

"It's okay, Shin-chan, I understand. These kind of things are just difficult." 

Takao did feel a little guilty about not being there when the giant came out, but he had an appointment with his psychologist that, apparently , coïncided with Shin-chan coming out. Midorima had probably been disappointed when he discovered that Takao wouldn't be there for his big moment.

"I'm sorry for missing it." Takao quietly said, just as genuine as the other.

They fell into a comfortable silence after that, drinking their tea and nibbling on some cookies.

However, there was a burning question on both of their minds, but Takao was faster.

"Ne, Shin-chan, do your parents know?" 

Ever curious Takao could never keep his mouth shut for long...

"I... They do, however, they weren't happy. Mother supports me, father doesn't want to talk about it." Midorima was uneasy, he didn't sit still as he told Takao this. It was clear he trusted Takao fully, else he wouldn't have told him something so painful.

"I see, and your sister? Does she know?" He really should shut his mouth before Midorima decided to kick him out.

What kind of best friend keeps asking questions after it becomes clear it is painful for the other to talk about it?

"I talked about it before I was sure. She told me she'd support me unconditionally." 

The green haired miracle had a special bond with his sister, she was the frist to accept his weird habits when he started to develop them. Things like his speech pattern changing and following oha sa weren't a big deal to her, because they made her brother be less insecure.

That might seem opposite, because most people would feel insecure while logging a life-sized penguin around, but the comfort of having a constant in life is more important to Midorima.

"That's good to hear. Everyone needs people to support them in life."

Well, that certainly sparked a question in Midorima's mind.

"What about you, Takao? Do you have anyone like that?" 

It was clear that it hurt the giant that Takao hadn't trusted him with this information.  
"My mom supports me, I don't really see my dad and sister anymore so they don't know..." He belatedly realised that he was talking about more than just his sexuality. Hopefully Shin-chan wouldn't notice it.

"Oi, Takao, you still didn't anwser my original question. Why do you avoid the changing rooms when you know no-one will mind?" 

'Why does Shin-chan have to be so smart?' If Takao were an emoji he'd be this (╥_╥) one.

"Shin-chan, I don't wanna lie to you, but I can't talk about it now. It's not that I don't trust you, but..." Takao pulled his knees up to his chest and curled his arms around them. The movement obvious in meaning to anyone who knew the truth.

A way to hide what he didn't want to be seen. Sometimes the binder didn't feel like enough. Going to bed at night was the most difficult on those days.

But Midorima didn't know the truth and was unable to see that Takao was feeling dysphoric, so he kept at it.

"Takao, you know we are friends right? I consider you my best friend, so please tell me."

The binder felt way to tight and loose at the same time.

"I don't understand why you are making this so difficult, there shouldn't be a problem right? I mean, we're all guys, so-"

Takao couldn't handle the last statement and tuned out the rest. His eyes closed on their own accord, trying to block the repeating thoughts out of his head.

You will never be able to shower with the guys, because you are not one of them.

You will never be able to have a normal relationship, gay or straight.

You will never be able to have biological children.

You barely pass for a guy.

These cuel thoughts didn't stop attacking his fragile balancing act. It was always either an ok day or a bad one, but it always looked like a good one to everyone else.

"Midorima."

The miracle fell silent after Takao called him by his last name. He'd only done that a few times and that was back when they weren't friends.

Takao stood up and bowed to Midorima, saying "Thank you for the tea, it was delicious. I'm very sorry, but I have to go home."

All was said very mechanically, most likely because he shut down his emotions. When he got home it would be hell.

"Wait, Taka-" Midorima panicked as he saw the other acting so distant.

Takao knew he was running away, but it would have a more desirable outcome if he left now. If he stayed, he would have an emotional break down. He would leave and build up the courage to say what needed to be said and figure out how he would say it.

"Midorima, I promise you that I will tell you everything in time, but I'm going to leave now."

He made his way downstairs and quietly put on his shoes, the confused and concerned miracle watching all the while.

Takao left without saying another thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took longer to finish this chapter than the others, but here it is^^
> 
> Please tell me if I made any errors and I will correct them.
> 
> also, I always feel bored if I have a writers block, so feel free to strike up a conversation^^


	4. Almost

After Takao left, Midorima was stunned into doing nothing. What could Takao possibly be hiding from him to create such a reaction?

He ended up shutting off the tv and collapsing on his bed, the dirty dishes from Takao's visit still standing untouched on his table.

~timeskip~

The next morning was hell for Midorima. He'd barely slept and when he did it was restless. He did make up his mind on what he was going to do when Takao arrived in the morning. He was going to act like nothing happened and let Takao come to him.

But Takao never showed up.

He was left standing there, phone in his hand displaying 'Sorry, but I can't make it today'. 

Midorima took the bus to school instead, still pondering on how he was going to fix this.

The lessons where boring and uneventful. Takao was the #1 class clown, so when he was absent everything was too quiet, too structured. 

Normally, Midorima would rejoice when Takao was absent, happy to get some studying done. Today, it left a bitter taste in his mouth as he thought about why he wasn't there. 

He missed the stupid jokes the hawk-eye would make to distract him and the rest of the class from work. 

The rest of class passed without Midorima learning anything. After that he made his way over to the gymnasium for basketball practise.

The changing room was impossibly silent as everyone burned to ask Midorima why Takao was missing. They all noticed that Midorima acted just a little different and they knew that they'd had a study appointment yesterday.

Instead Oostubo-senpai and Miyaji-senpai called him out on it while the rest started warming up.

"Oi, Midorima, come over here for a second." Miyaji shouted before he had a chance to pretend to be busy.

They gestured to take a walk with them, clearly implying the need for privacy.

"Did something happen between you yesterday? Is that why he's absent?" 

Miyaji-senpai kind of reminded Midorima of a mother, except that a mother would never threaten to throw a pineapple at a child.   
Oostubo still hadn't said anything and waited patiently.

"yesterday... I inquired Takao about his strange habits surrounding the changing room and he told me of his sexual preference as explanation. After that I came out to him."

The giant knew he wasn't going to get out of this by saying it was nothing, so he told the truth, the whole truth.

"I told him he didn't have to worry, since the whole team knows about my sexual preference and they are alright with it. I also reminded him of the speech you gave at the beginning of the year. I told him not to worry about the changing room, because there is nothing to hide from eachoth-"

"Which words did you use, specifically?" Ootsubo fell in. 

He looked very on edge as he asked. Midorima knew in that moment they knew the truth about why Takao was acting this way.

"I believe my words were 'We're all guys'" 

A moment of deadpan silence fell.

"You unbelievable utter IDIOT!" Miyaji screamed.

"Ootsubo, clean this mess up, I'm gonna check on Takao" He shouted while running to change back to his normal clothes.

"Senpai, what's wrong with Takao? What isn't he telling me?"

Midorima got more worried by the minute, why would miyaji-senpai act this way if it wasn't something horrible?

"It's not my story to tell, Takao must choose to do so." Ootsubo-senpai said as he watched Miyaji run out of the gymnasium.

"However, something I will say is that he isn't sick. You don't have to worry about losing him that way." 

He sighed in relief as he had one less possibility of what was wrong with Takao.

"Go home, Midorima, you can't practise like this." 

The look Ootsubo gave him made him give up on protesting before he could even begin. He just lowered his head in submission and clenched his hand in to fists.

Miyaji-senpai came running by just as they started making their way back. Midorima stared after him, longing to know why Takao didn’t trust him enough to tell what was going on.

He got changed and was released from training. No one asked why, it was clear that this should be left alone by everyone who wasn’t involved.

When he finally got home he just stared at the same pages in his book. Not being able to focus on anything, after failing at figuring out what could have been wrong with his best friend.

At least, he stared at the book untill his phone signaled a message. 

It said ‘Meet us tomorrow at my house.’ followed by Miyaji-senpai’s adress and a time.

Midorima figured that the ‘us’ they were speaking about were Miyaji, Ootsubo and Takao.

He quickly send out a affirmative anser and gave up on studying for today. It was weekend, so he could just do it on satuday or sunday.

Instead of studying, he grabbed a basketball and made his way over to the nearest court. While he always practised his 3-pointers at school, he didn’t get to work on much else.

After the third years had determined he was more that sufficient in his basics he was left to practise his shots. They did occasionally force him to play a different position, but not nearly often enough to advance in them. 

Which is why he always practised those skills when he trained outside of school. Takao was the only one who knew of this and offered to help ‘Shin-chan’ with his defence.

He warmed up his muscles and attempted his full-court shoot. 

It hit the ring and bounced off.

He grabbed the ball and made his way back inside, took a long bath and turned in for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you have any questions or see any mistakes^^


	5. The other side

The bell rang downstairs, but Takao didn’t want to get out of bed. 

He had only left his bed to go to the toilet and grab some water and food before quickly returning to his place of comfort for the rest of the day.

He contemplated who it could be. His mom was gone and he knew she had her keys with her, because they weren’t in their usual place. 

Midorima had practise and he would never skip, he was too diligent to skip practise. 

It could be one of the senpai, they knew where he lived and they had probably questioned Midorima about his absence.

The bell rang again, longer this time.

Takao haphazardly threw on some sweatpants and struggled into his binder, then he put his oversized shirt back on.

He almost fell downstairs as his leg was asleep, but manged to catch himself in time. He was finally standing in front of the door. 

It opened to reveal a panting and ruffled Miyaji-senpai.

“Senp-”  
“Why didn’t you come to school?” He started before Takao could even finish his not so surprised exclamation.

“Come in, I’ll explain over lunch.” Takao mumbled, ashamed that he worried his senpai enough to make him run over here.

Miyaji might not have said he was worried, but his posture screamed it out to the world.

They entered the living room slash kitchen (it was an open one that connected directly to the living room) and the older one took a seat on the couch as the younger one walked over to the kitchen to prepare his food and the drink for his guest.

“Takao, are you alright? Just over all, I mean.” The blonde asked tentatively.

“Yeah, I guess. He probably told you some stuff. I guess the situation with Shin-chan is less than desirable, but… I don’t know. I just hope he forgets or something…”

He could feel the disapprovement radiating of off his senpai. He wasn’t going to get away with that statement.

He finished making his sandwich and took a seat on the chair left from the other.

“You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to, but he was acting so different today. A lot of his stubbornness was gone and he just looked out of it.” Miyaji-senpai sat bend forward to look into his eyes as he tried to convey how serious he was.

‘Ofcourse it would affect him, I basically told him that I couldn’t trust him while saying the opposite.’ Takao thought as he recalled yesterdays conversation.

“You know that you are our light and shadow, right? With how Midorima acted today, I don’t think you guys can continue being shutoku’s light and shadow if you don’t tell him. You will both fall apart if this continues.”

The unspoken ‘a light needs to trust the shadow,completely’ went unspoken,but felt like it was screamed at the top of his lungs

“I-I can’t deal with him alone. If he were to react badly, I couldn’t, I can’t be alone if that happens.” He hadn’t touched his sandwich yet and now he was shaking too bad to attempt to pick it up. 

The prospect of losing his partner and friend terrified him.

“Takao, I’ll ask if Oostubo would be able to attend the meeting. It would be the four of us. Is that okay?”

‘Miyaji-senpai is way to considerate.’ 

A smile formed on Takao’s face as the fear bled out of him. A smile so true and pure, genuine that you couldn’t possibly hold it back, one that hurts everyone that looks at it in such a painful, beautiful way, but let you feel the happiness he felt wash over you.

Miyaji had only seen it one time before, right after the friendship with Midorima started blooming and they won a practise match.

It was still as overwhelming as it was that first time. 

“Thank you, senpai.”

“I’ll let you know when and where tonight. I need to get back to school.” He stood up and made his way back to the door. 

He was already standing in the opening when he turned back.

“Don’t let it get to you, we’ll work something out.”

After that he left and Takao finally got a chance to eat. After he finished he did the dishes and took a shower.  
Showers still sucked, but he’d learned how to angle his head away from his body so he wouldn’t see anything. He also played music so he could keep his mind occupied with the lyrics instead of damaging thoughts.

He’d just fixed his hair when his phone went off.

‘Midorima will meet us tomorrow at my house. Ootsubo will also be there. Don’t you dare thinking about not showing up or you’ll get a pineapple thrown in your face.’

‘Wah, scary Miyaji-senpai is back’ Takao already knew that the pineapple-throwing wasn’t a joke, he was lucky he had quick reflexes or else he’d have had a pineapple-patterned mark on his forehead.

‘No more running away. I’m so fucking done with this shit. I’ll figure out what to do after tomorrow, but for now Tumblr, junk food and maybe a movie.’

Once Takao made up his mind, nothing was gonna change it. Shin-chan wasn’t the only one who could be stubborn as fuck. Actually, a motivated Takao was way worse than a motivated Shin-chan. 

Once Takao and Shin-chan had been playing a game. That day both of them had shared first place in luck and they both had their lucky items, a Polaroid camera for the miracle and some black sock for Takao ( He accidentally had his lucky item on him, because he’d almost overslept that day and couldn’t watch Oha Sa that day). Every round they played ended in a draw. After about and hour of them bickering and saying they were going to win Midorima gave up. His excuse was that Oha Sa was never wrong.

Takao made him play for another two hours before he had to go home…

Takao was going to fix or break Shutoku’s light or shadow tomorrow, but for now Tumblr and food...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this so far. I've been having some trouble with sitting down and writing, but I really wanna finish this, so don't worry. I will not quit writing this^^


	6. The truth

Takao finally stood in front of Miyaji-senpai’s house, half an hour earlier then they agreed. He wanted to be there before Shin-chan so he could discuss the finer details with Oostubo and Miyaji.

That, however, was a plan that didn’t work out, since Shin-chan opened the door after he rang the bell.

Both fell silent, Midorima knew it would be Takao whom had rung the bell, but he didn’t know how to deal with the situation and fell silent upon seeing him for real.

Takao, on the other hand, had expected one of the senpai, but got the person he wasn’t ready to see, yet…

“Oi! Let him in, Midorima!” An irritated miyaji shouted from the kitchen where he and Ootsubo prepared the tea and snacks they would surely need to get through the afternoon.

They were lucky Miyaji’s parents had taken his younger brother to an amusement park for the weekend. They didn’t need to worry about anyone walking in. 

Not to mention that Ootsubo had stayed the night…

Midorima moved aside and moved to join the others in the kitchen while Takao took off his shoes. Then, he also made his way into the kitchen.

They all sat seated at the western-style dinner table. Takao and Midorima facing each other, the same went for the other two. Miyaji sat next to Takao, ready to support him if needed.

A heaviness fell over the boys like a thick blanked they were all hesitant to breach the topic.

Oostubo-senpai was always the responsible one and took it upon himself to lift that ‘blanked’.

“Takao, do you want us to tell him? I know it is difficult for you to say it directly for the first time, eventhough you can explain everything without problem.” He looked worried for a second as the other blanched at the question.

The raven bowed his head in shame after he nodded.

‘Damn it, I should tell him, he deserves atleast that much.’ Takao thought as he steeled himself for both Midorima’s reaction and the regret of not telling him this himself.

“The reason Takao always dresses alone is because he isn’t like you and me. Do you know the meaning of transgender?” Ootsubo questioned carefully. They should have gone over this in their biology class already.

“Takao… Is that why?” Midorima was stunned as his best friend nodded.

It was affirmed that his best friend was trans.

He knew he couldn’t leave now, not with how Takao looked so despaired, not with the senpai’s hopeful and expectant demeanor.

But he also needed time to process this and he wanted to research this subject some more before asking inappropriate or hurtful questions.

“Takao, I want you to understand that this changes nothing, but I have need of some time to process this. I’ll look up some information about this and I’ll get back to you. I don’t want to change anything between us, I still see you as male, I… I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, so please forgive me if I said anything inapropriate.” Midorima never rambled, but a topic he knew next to nothing about threw him off.

School had covered that it existed, but not much more than that.

“It’s okay, Shin-chan. I’m already happy you told me that it won’t impact the way you think of me. Please take your time with the reasearch and come to me when you have questions.”

Takao couldn’t have hoped for a better response, he knew Midorima needed his research and he would happily supply him with answers to the questions he would surely have.

He also knew that the said research would be completed before tomorrow and that he would get a call from Midorima asking if it was okay to come over tonight or early tomorrow morning.

“Takao, I’m going home now, please don’t take this the wrong way.” Midorima was desperate to drive home that he wasn’t going to abandon him, but it only helped to reassure the other, which he did need.

“I know Shin-chan, call me when your ready.”

A short while later the front door closed and Takao let out a big sigh in relief as the tension bled out of him.

“Oi, Takao, Ootsubo, do you wanna stay for lunch? It’s already past noon.” Miyaji yelled as he walked from the door back to the kitchen.

And excited and soft reply were heard from the dinning table as one was excited to get the happy energy flowing again, while the other was exhausted.

Miyaji decided to go western and put bread and toppings on the table so every one could grab what they wanted.

By the end of lunch Takao was smiling and joking again. 

Both of the senpai found that they were relieved as he returned to his usual antics.  
They said their good-byes soon after and all were left with a satisfied feeling as everything was about to be resolved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading^^ comments and kudos will find a very happy home here (^_−)☆

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if I have made any errors or mistakes and I will try to fix them. I hope you've enjoyed the story so far^^


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